my wake up moment

Lately I have been frustrated with my kids....frustrated that they fight, frustrated that they get up at the crack of dawn, frustrated that they seem to ignore me sometimes, just frustrated with seemingly everything.....
Then Fridays horrific tragedy happened.  It was like a slap in the face for me that night watching the news....What if that happened here....what if the last thing I said to my children was said out of frustration? God forbid, what if something like that happened to my children? or my friends children?  I have had a rough weekend struggling with so much sadness for those families, guilt that I have not been the mommy I want to be, and honestly just felt stuck in a dark hole of sadness....
I cried through most of church yesterday.  My kiddos performed in church and as proud as I was, all I could think was if this had happened here no one would be singing right now....Our pastor was great and had a message that was helpful, but still I felt so sad....I was upset last night when athena was not listening to me when I asked her to do something, and had to walk away becuase all I could think was -if my beautiful daughter cant listen to me now, how can I know that if there is some emergency that she will listen then?-  I know, kind of crazy/obsessive, but I think that part of my struggle with the shooting, is that in my mind I need to know my kids will follow instructions...instructions that literally mean life or death, and that scares me.
I ended up talking to athena a little bit about why I was sad.  I told her with as few details as possible, and I told her that the person who did those horrible things was dead and could not hurt anyone else, and we talked about the chidlren who are in heaven, and she said that they got a great christmas present, they are in heaven.....How awesome is my daughter!
Anyway, all of the above to say that I still feel sad, I can not even try to fathom what these families are going through.  How proud I am of those teachers , and how proud their families must be, yes sad and heartbroken, but they are heroes. They put themselves in the way and saved many childrens lives.

I want to watch the news, and the updates, but I just cant do it.  It breaks my heart and hits too close to home...I have a 4 year old and a 6 year old....and now I need to go check on them and kiss them, becuase I still can.

Thanks for "listening"